How Important Is Sexual Compatibility? Here's What Real Couples Share

It❜s completely normal to wonder how sexually compatible you and your partner are. Is there even a way to measure that?. In fact, its such a common concern that its often a top priority for couples. According to data from The Knot 2023 Jewelry and Engagement Study, many couples check their sexual compatibility before deciding to get engaged.

But how does sexual compatibility fit into this? What does sexual compatibility really mean? And what can a couple do if they arent sexually compatible? Lets explore these questions below.

In this article, we❜ll cover⬇️

  • A➺ What Does Sexual Compatibility Mean?
  • B➺ How Important is Sexual Compatibility?
  • C➺ How to Tell if Youre Sexually Compatible
  • D➺ How to Deal with Sexual Incompatibility

Introducing the Expert

Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, LCSW, CSE, is the owner of Healing Exchange, a therapy practice. She is a licensed therapist who focuses on relationships, sex, and trauma therapy.

A➺ What Does Sexual Compatibility Mean?

How Important Is Sexual Compatibility? Here's What Real Couples Share

Sexual compatibility is when you and your partner both understand each other❜s sexual needs and desires. But here's the thing: According to Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, LCSW, CSE, sexual compatibility is more about how you communicate than about having the same sexual preferences. She explains, It could be about saying, These are the things that turn me on, I want sex this many times a week, or These are the positions I like—all the things that make up the sexual experience.

In the end, sexual compatibility is about how well you and your partner meet and balance each others sexual needs. The more you discuss, understand, and adjust to each other's needs, the better your sexual compatibility can become.

B➺ How Important is Sexual Compatibility?

How Important Is Sexual Compatibility? Here's What Real Couples Share

The importance of sexual compatibility varies for each person. It❜s worth mentioning that according to The Knot 2023 Jewelry and Engagement Study, sex and sexual compatibility are a priority for many married couples.

According to The Knot 2023 Jewelry and Engagement Study, 4 out of 5 couples, regardless of age or sexual orientation, were intimate with each other before getting engaged.

Ultimately, how important sexual compatibility is depends on each relationship. For some, agreeing to wait until marriage to have sex can also be a form of sexual compatibility.

C How to Tell if Youre Sexually Compatible

Figuring out if you and your partner are sexually compatible can be complicated and is something that may change and develop over time.

Here are a few of the many factors that can affect a couples sexual compatibility:

  • Meeting individual sexual needs and desires
  • Preferred frequency of sex
  • Libido levels ❨which can be influenced by factors like health, age, and stress

In general, being on the same page with these factors—or being open to compromise when they❜re not the same—usually leads to good sexual compatibility.

D➺ How to Deal with Sexual Incompatibility

In her practice, Smith-Fiallo often finds that couples who have open talks about their sex lives and are willing to make changes and explore new things tend to have great sexual compatibility. Sharing what feels good, being open about what doesn❜t, and having regular check-ins are helpful steps to take when trying to overcome sexual incompatibility.

With that in mind, Smith-Fiallo shares the best questions to ask your partner and the types of conversations you should have to improve your sexual compatibility below.

1 How do you prefer sex to start?

People have different preferences for how sex should be initiated. Ask your partner what they like. If you're not starting things in a way that makes your partner feel connected, wanted, or valued, it wont work, says Smith-Fiallo. She also mentions that this question is important to ask if your partner has gone through sexual trauma.

❝I work with people who have gone through trauma,❞ she says. ❝Someone might touch a part of your body, or you could say something in a certain way, and that can be upsetting.

❝And if it❜s not upsetting, it can sometimes just be a turnoff. For example, some people dont like certain types of dirty talk, while others enjoy it.❞

2 Do we have any sexual preferences that don❜t match up?

There are many enjoyable and consensual sexual acts, and you probably have your own preferences. Sometimes, if your preferences are very different from your partners, it can affect your sexual compatibility, says Smith-Fiallo.

For example, if your partner enjoys threesomes but you prefer to be sexually and romantically exclusive—and both of you feel strongly about these views—you❜ll probably be in conflict. Smith-Fiallo suggests having a conversation about sexual practices that you absolutely do not want and explaining why. Also, take time to explore where your beliefs and feelings come from. Make sure these beliefs truly reflect who you are, or are they ideas youve inherited that no longer fit you? Being honest with yourself and your partner is crucial.

3 What does it mean if one or both of us don❜t reach orgasm?

Some people believe orgasms are the most important part of good sex, but is that always true? Smith-Fiallo suggests asking your partner how they feel if one or both of you don❜t orgasm. If your feelings are different, try to find ways to enjoy sex and feel satisfied without focusing on orgasms. She also explains that removing the pressure to orgasm every time can help both of you explore new ways to enjoy pleasure.

4 What does intimacy mean to you, and what does it look like? 

Find out what intimacy looks like beyond sex for both you and your partner, says Smith-Fiallo. What does it mean to be close, to check in with each other, and to know whats happening in each other❜s day-to-day lives? she asks.

Talk with your partner about what they need to feel close, whether it❜s spending quality time together, sharing gentle forehead kisses, holding hands during the day, or just a quick touch when passing by each other. Building intimacy outside of sex can help improve your sexual compatibility.

5 What are some of your fantasies?

Sexual fantasies can enhance your sense of fulfillment and strengthen your bond with your partner as you explore them together. Smith-Fiallo suggests emphasizing the positive sides of fantasies rather than fearing how they might affect your relationship negatively.

Fantasies don❜t always have to be something you want to act out in your own sex life, says Smith-Fiallo. Its about the enjoyment and emotions that come with using your imagination. Fantasies are a form of play, and we know that play is great for our well-being.

6 How often do you prefer to have sex?

Be open about how often you want to have sex and ask your partner about their preferences too. If your desires differ significantly, it doesnt have to end the relationship. Smith-Fiallo recommends discussing and exploring other options to find a balance.

Remember, having a higher or lower sex drive isn❜t wrong—its about understanding each other and finding a way to ensure both partners feel satisfied.

7 How can we talk about sex in the future?

Having regular talks about your sex life helps make sure you and your partner are in sync. Smith-Fiallo suggests agreeing on a schedule or specific parts of your sex life to check in about. And don❜t forget to set those reminders in your calendar for consistency.

Thank you for your valuable attention.💗